A Capetonians response to being told to go fuck himself

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With all the accolades Cape Town has racked up recently, including but not limited to our mountain (yeah we claim it) becoming one of  the 7  Natural Wonders of the World,  winning World Design Capital, as well as  being voted the number one tourist destination by that rather small publication the New York Times-  I would like to thank you for giving us the distinguished “Go Fuck Yourself Award”.

I actually like Joburg, well kinda. I mean it’s pretty and everything, but only in the North and only in the summer, in winter it’s a dry brown shit hole. I have actively looked at moving up to Jozi, then I woke up and looked out my front door and gave myself a facepalm for ever considering it.

I didn’t lock my door last night, I drive with the window open, there are not 14 electric wires around my wall and my house does not have a security guard and a car guard outside. The topic of conversation last night among my friends was not who got hijacked/ robbed/ mugged or shot at. But then again we are not quite rough and tumble enough to be casted for the next Walking Dead season. (Having said that check out the Zombie Walk that happens annually.) We have been dealing with zombies for a while now.
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We do not “nay say” Jozi at every opportunity we get, despite what you “busy” people think, we actually have lives, but when we do, we do say things like, “it’s dirty, trafficky and unsafe”.

Wanna know why? Because it is!

Don’t give me this big city bullshit either. Jozi is dirty because the ANC waste your money. Because your roads fall apart and garbage does not get collected.
So thanks for the contribution to the GDP it sure goes far. (On this note both the tax money generated in Cape Town and Jozi goes to subsidising the rest of the country anyway. So thank those “boozy ungrateful wastrels” for making your lives easier.)

What dumb ass Capetonians have you been hanging out with that think Woolworths is only Cape Town based and compare Lagos to Jozi? Surely none that have gone beyond the Hottentots Holland mountain range.

This story of Cape Town being cliquey is bullshit as well. Don’t come to Vredehoek, hang out with all the Jozi and Durban expats and tell us Capetonians are cliquey. Just stop trying to make friends with hipsters.

We do get some business from Johannesburg, we also make business of our own. You might have heard of it, Tourism? It brings in a fair bit of money.

Yes we have lower salaries and higher living expenses BUT when you go to the gym at 19:45 after sitting in an hour traffic on William Nicol to go between two traffic lights, I have been for a run in the forest, watched a sun set, and probably eaten dinner. Keep the bloody money.

Most of us do not live close to the beach, for me it is at least a 12 min drive, sometimes up to 15 min away. Just a bit faster than the 5 hours and 4 toll gates it would take you.

Enough of this North vs South debacle. I am onto my first beer at the office, the sun is shining, and I will be planting my bum on the beach, or something of the sort, very soon now.

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122 thoughts on “A Capetonians response to being told to go fuck himself

  1. This stain sounds exactly like your average Cape Town wannabe. You simply proved the first artical right by showing how quickly you have u back against the wall. U sound like u might be having that beer alone cause no one can stand being around you! Just remember when it’s holiday time u better go stay with your mum while the dollar rolls into town and shits in your carpet!
    Peace

    1. One would swear with this amount of hate that I had told an entire city to go fuck themselves… Or better yet threatened an invasion to throttle and impale before cutting hearts out of chests with broken wine bottles. Kif, bru.

    2. With the brandy and coke brigade they are more likely to puke on the carpet. Why don’t they spend holidays in Johburg if it’s so wonderful

  2. I was born and raised in Joburg, and at the tender age of 11, my family made the genius decision of moving to Cape Town. I never looked back. Except when I was 18 and toyed with the idea of moving to Joburg. I tried it out- arrived in Jozi for three weeks- and almost died- from horror at what a shithole it really and truly is. I promptly returned to the REAL mother city.

    Well now… I’m sure you have all read this:

    https://mysundaymorningpiss.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/a-capetownians-response-to-being-told-to-go-fuck-himself/

    But… both blog posts have gross inaccuracies in them.

    So let’s settle this: once and for all.

    1. Last year the United Nations reported that Cape Town is more dangerous than Joburg and Pretoria combined. (Go research it).

    However- even though Cape Town IS more dangerous- the crime is localized- meaning it’s predominantly in the townships.

    I, like many in Cape Town last night, slept with my door unlocked.

    2. Joburg is not a mess because of the ANC. Capetonians forget that the DA only recently came into power in Cape Town- and that everything that Cape Town was built to be: socially and economically, WAS predominantly done by the ANC and the people. In fact with the ridiculous DA laws – Like in the CBD – Your dog may not bark for more than 8 minutes or you will be fined. Or, the new anti smoking law, which means I have to LEAVE the restaurant and stand on the street every-time I want a cigarette; SUCKS.

    3. As much as Captionians would like to give credit to the DA for the awards ect ect… They seem to often forget that the DA did not create the mountains, the sea or our beautiful sunsets.

    On the flip side:

    4. Jozi people NEED TO STOP complaining we are cliquey. Birds of feather flock together. Feel like you don’t fit in? You just haven’t found your flock.

    5. Jozi people should not even try to make Joburg look better than cape town- because it will never be. You don’t have a beach. Or a Mountain. Or proper sunsets. You are not God- you will never create it- so let Cape town stand in it’s glory.

    6. Yes, yes. The salaries ARE lucrative in Joburg. No doubt about that. But who would want more money to live in a shithole? What is the point of earning more, only for you to spend all the extra you earned on your holiday to Cape Town?

    Point.

    1. On your Point 2:

      Every thing in Cape Town was built YEARS before the ANC came into power. I have lived here for years and while there have been some changes in the past 20yrs there have not actually been any that are very notable. I don’t remember much development at all when the ANC was in power, and I would appreciate you telling me what infrastructure and developement they DID do.

      And the new municipal by-laws are National. The WC is more lenient than they are upcountry. They all came about at the same time and it was driven by parliment and (apparently) the SPCA. And the Smoking laws are even more stringent in Gauteng.

    2. Next time you go outside to have a smoke and pollute the beautiful Cape Town air, I hope a fucking bus runs you over, you disgusting, smelly pig. I don’t shit where you stand, why do you smoke where I want to walk?

    3. “You don’t have a mountain or proper sunsets.” Wow. All I can do is smile and shake my head at you pathetic ignorance. 🙂

  3. I’m a Capetonian and living in Johannesburg for 2 years and it’s not all bad. Yes it’s fast and a bit dirty but it’s got energy. It is badly run( ANC) but has oppurtunity due to enginuity and banking . It’s transient and most people I meet aren’t from jozi but there to make cash. Some joburgers have a chip about Cape Town cos they think they have an edge and are sharper and yes some capetonians are cliquey but fuck it you make your own experiences so wherever you go be positive we’re all the same more or less.

    1. I lived in Cape Town for a year and I will never ever return. I am a friendly person who goes out of her way for others and I was treated like rubbish at every turn. In KZN nobody would dare poo poo you for being an administrator. I was ridiculed at every opportunity and constantly asked what adminiatrators do. I would have taken it as a joke but it was very clear afrer that that I was not worthy of chatting to once they knew that I was a secretary.

      After serving in the same church all year loyally, the minister asked me in December what my name was again. It wasn’t a large church at all.

      I found my friends amongst non Cape Tonians who were also incredulous about how they were treated.

      I would rather live in the Eastern Cape amongst the poorest than return to Cape Town. I have two degrees from notable Varsities. I am not a pariah in KZN. I waa shocked! !

  4. Moved to Cape Town 5 years ago and would never go back to Johannesburg. There is simply no comparison. Cape Town is heaven on earth!

  5. I have been very lucky in my life to have travelled all over the world and to have seen places such as, the Great Barrier Reef,off Australia, the Golden Gate Bridge, Hong Kong and Hawaii, I could go on, I was also lucky enough to have lived, for about 15 years, in and around Joburg and for about 13 years in Cape Town. To have lived anywhere in South Africa was an outstanding experience. To have lived in the Cape, was without any doubt, as good as any place on Earth. I still get a lump in my throat every time I see a picture of that incredible place. One of the greatest places on Earth.

  6. Amen brother! To the boets in jozi, you got nothing on our amazing city. Spending 4/5ths of your life behind a desk and in ur car is not my idea of a life. Its true what they say. Jealousy makes u nasty

  7. been living in JHB for almost 6 years, born and bred Capetonian.. and go back CPT at least 4 – 5 times a year!!!! JHB does have something, not going to knock it, but it has NOTHING on Cape Town!!! Those that write bad about Cape Town are just jealous and trying to find every excuse… 😉 Cape Town Love!!!

  8. Who cares where you live or where you come from. Last time i checked we were free to live where ever we want in this great country of ours . Can’t stand the fucking bull shit Cape Town is the greatest , it belong to all of us

  9. I have been working on cruise ships for the last 14 years of my life and been blessed enough to do world cruises, been around the world countless times, visited 88 countries (stopped counting years ago) in all 7 continents (yes even Antarctica). Some of the most beautiful places on earth including, but not limited to: Bora Bora, Tahiti, Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, American Samoa, Finland, Sweden, Estonia, Canada, Mexico, Russia, Rio, Bermuda, Italy, France, Spain, Portugal, Uruguay, Argentina, Iceland, Greece, Croatia, Maldives, Alaska, Costa Rica, need I go on???
    Anyway after seeing those and many other beautiful places, all different types of beauty, I have yet to visit one city that has it all, all in one. Any direction you drive in even just 30 minutes you have so much different climate, scenery and people. From the beautiful Table Mountain around the gorgeous Italian-like Peninsula to the white sandy beaches and boulders of Llandudno to the unspoilt mile long beaches of Noordhoek and around Misty Cliffs to the Table Bay side of Simons Town. The “French” winelands of Stellenbosch to Francshoek and Paarl, and the Greece-like West Coast from Yzerfontein to Langebaan to Paternoster. And of course my home in Bloubergstrand.
    Cape Town, I love you!!!

  10. You’re right, Cape Town is beautiful and it’s a great tourist destination. That’s why we “Joburgers” come down there. But it is NOT better than Joburg in terms of actually living there full time. It’s like going to any holiday destination : you see the sights, have a locally made beverage/food and whatever else your tourist heart desires but you NEVER live there. It is nothing like home, just a really great tourist destination.

  11. The rest of South African seems adamant that Capetonians are snobs, but that is simply not true – we genuinely are better than everyone else.

  12. Even though this is probably the most unimportant and boring debate that may ever have happened id like to correct one thing.

    I’m from Cape Town, love in ct, love Cape Town but also lived in Joburg for a while. And here it is:

    Cape Town is VERY cliquey!

    1. Probably due to the fact that we don’t see every conversation as a potential sales and networking opportunity. Try and remember that you’re a (welcomed) guest in another city and you can’t behave the way you do in Jozi and expect the same reactions from people.

      Also, fcken get over yourselves already. Life is short. Do we really need to talk and be friendly to everyone? Social media and mail spam is suffocating enough as it is. Forgive us for wanting to trim down social connections for the sake of investing more time and effort into the relationships we already have and give a fck about. Cape Town isn’t limited to hipsters and stoners, just like Jozi isn’t limited to gun toting gym clones and coke heads. Cape Town’s modern culture has a broader diversity. Naturally, we’ll exist in a larger amount of smaller groups. Try and think of us as a city of contemporary tribes and not cliques. It might help you deal with your social insecurities when you’re in Cape Town trying to make friends.

      It’s amusing that so many non-trend obsessed families from up North continue to come here on holiday every year. Surely they would have been ousted by the Capetonian cold shoulder by now?

      Maybe… Just maybe, if so many of you could possibly expand your conversation content past money, international labels, your new car or which SA celeb you share a neighborhood with, you might find more common ground with us.

      But of course, it’s not you Jozi, it’s us.

  13. Pathetic that you all want to Justify and argue about Cpt V Jhb. Instead of talking about opportunities presented by both cities, highlighting challenges and figure how to make certain changes and add value, you do what blk v whites to, what’s Capetonians V Gauresidents to compeate. Guys honestly. PATHETIC…. Both cities have their unique attractions with similar challenges. Stop being imbiciles and do better to attract the world in to our country. Stop sounding like politicians and start doing your best to make both cities become a world destination. Nonsense maan….

  14. Glad I live in Durban! it’s a s@#t-hole most of the time, but at least it can stay out of the Cape Town/Joh’burg debate. I was born in Joh’burg, love it; visited Cape Town a lot, love it; been all over South Africa, Love it all! What’s not to love? I don’t care if people are snobs, I just “shake the dust from my sandals” and move on. One negative thing about Cape Town: the weather in winter. Absolutely couldn’t live there. Durban has got the weather – a tad hot in summer, but the autumn, winter and spring are fine.

  15. From an ex CT and JHB citizen- I’m sorry but all of yal should go F$%^^k yourselves, while you squabbling over which city is the best the people in your very town are going to bed hungry! Funny how we share tweets, fb post, instagrams, but can share our hearts or kindness to our fellow man !

    The bottom line is your city is as good as your poorest… and trust me, ain’t none of yal should speak first!

    Wake up and smell life, because its real !

  16. The original dissing of Cape Town started this whole thing. Jhb people thought it was tongue in cheek, CapeTown people were offended. I’ve lived in both citues as well as London and the US. You want to dis a city that people love, then you’re going to get a response. When I lived in Jhb, people were not popping out of the woodwork to be my friend, but as this blog states, I had not found my flock. It takes some time in any city, but Cape Town has been good to me twice. When I left Jhb, I said this is just not my kinda city, but some love it. No need for the original blogs rant. I truly love living in Cape Town, just don’t be nasty about it as many of us feel this way. I have some lovely friends living in Jhb, but that’s not my space. The original blog needed a counter. The Pofadder response was also great.

  17. Cape Town belongs to all South Africans…. As does Jozi… As does Durban… As does PE etc etc…. Claim this great Nation of ours….. Collectively own every last inch of it by being a proud South African no matter what city you are in…. Respect people!

  18. Actually Gauteng accounts for more tourism income than the Western Cape. Try another one. Seriously though, each city has its pros and cons. Parts of Joburg are beautiful, safe, clean and against the traffic which is where I choose to live, obviously there are areas that are the complete opposite, just like most of the Cape Town suburbs that are more than 10kms from the city bowl and let’s not pretend that CT is free of traffic, I spent 2 hours in it on a recent trip down.

  19. As a new resident of Cape Town having been born and raised in Durban, lived for 18 years in Jo’burg a

    nd less than a year in Cape Town I will say this… Joburg is no place to raise a family. It was rightly labeled a business city. I personally hated Jo’burg and it took me 10 years to leave that “Sodom & Gomorrah” city. I felt like my soul was dying there and Cape Town has breathed new life into me.

    Before I left Jo’burg I was told many times, you’re going to hate Cape Town, they are so cliquey, the weather there is bad… Guess what… I love this city. Great summer weather, excellent work life balance, 30% increase in my salary, my overall health has improved, I now enjoy driving 100km/h instead of 160km/h in Jo’burg (when the highways were empty). Capetownians keep left and pass right which is a breath of fresh air. They move when they see you coming behind you in the highway and I’ve adopted the same good habit when once I felt like I owned the road. In Jo’burg, everyone drives like they stole their cars or learned to drive on their playstations.

    Taxi’s are the same in both cities so that’s one of the constants that lets you know that you still live in SA.

    Of the three cities in which I have lived, Durban will always be home and my heart will always be comfortable at home. Jo’burg will always be hell and Cape Town is the most wonderful city in this country. Every weekend I find something new and exciting to do. Kaklk bay, Muizenberg, Simonstown train, The Olde Bisuit Mill, Langebaan, West Beach, Robin Island, Table mountain, The “real” Waterfront, Long Street and Strand beach are just a few of the places I have been so far. There is still so much I want to do, Shark cage diving, penguin island and anything else that my new friends in Cape Town are ready to show me….

  20. Can South Africans stop fighting against each other already? Sorry to steal from the ANC, but together we make South Africa better. Flipweet!

  21. Cape Town dont have zombies?? Excuse me?? Come to Obs and behold the Walkers. We have to lock our little garden gate with a huge ass lock, because otherwise the effers come straight in to harass you for money. DAILY. Now they just stand and shout at our gate forever. I hate this effing place. I really do. We have been living in this city for about 7 years now, and guess what? We have made NONE capetonian friends. Jip. Strue. And we are friendly people. I mean, we are from PE, you dont get friendlier than that.
    Dumb ass place this cape town. It really can go and eff itself eff-up.

    Tsek!

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  24. Having the opportunity of living in JHB, CPT and Umtata, as well as holidaying sufficiently in Durban, P.E, East London and a number of small towns all around South Africa, I guess I speak from a knowledgeable point of view.

    I disagree with the writer of the article, I lived in Benoni and in my opinion, it’s the most beautiful part of Jhb. It’s just as tranquil and pretty as many leafy Cape Town suburbs. Capetonians are a little cliquey though, or maybe we’re just pee’d off at the fact that in Jhb, the sun shone most of the winter while we stayed in doors and struggled with the wind and rain, and just as we realise that the rain stopped, we find GP number plates lining up on our front yard. Anyways, I like both Jhb for it’s hustle and bustle and Cape Town for its beach, wine and mountains but prefer holidaying in Port st Johns, Eastern Cape, where no one is territorial, the weather is great and the people are chilled.

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