Please vote for the ANC, Pretty please?

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With the elections just around the corner, political parties and relevant role players throwing mud, shit, slander, 447 page Public Prosecutor reports (Thanks Thuli) and just about anything else that will stick at each other, I thought I might take some time out of my day to ask all of you middle class uncapped wifi –ers to maybe consider voting ANC.

This is after all the 102 year old liberation movement that steered South Africa towards the “Rainbow Nation” ideal.  An ideal we seem to hear less and less about if you exclude the first few comments from disillusioned News24 readers.

Now I know Jacob might not be the best speaker in the world, I know it’s difficult to listen to a man that inserts full. Stops in the middle of sentences but let’s stop to consider what the next 5 years without the machine gun toting, compound building, another wife-ing , Gupta flying ,783 corruption charged,  post sex showering , taxi money giving, Shaik loving, constitution destroying Msholozi just might be like.

What would the next  five years without the Billion Rand president  be like? BORING!!!!
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I mean who wants a government that is led by an honest respectable person anyway? Not me that’s for damn sure. Who would we laugh at? There is a lot we will miss about Jacob.

He is after all the master of ministers…

With more ministers and deputy ministers than any president before him, as well as the newest information Ministry, something not seen since the dark days of apartheid .  I can’t wait for the new Minister of Information (read Minister of propaganda Mac Maharaj) to tell international journalists that it was not the crowd Boo’ing Zuma, instead they were saying Zuuuuuuuuma!

He is the master of the scandal… the twice coated, never stick, lifetime guarantee Teflon Man.

How can we forget our esteemed multi-wife-ing leader having sex out of wedlock with a young HIV positive woman?
How can we forget our No.1 having a shower after? (Thankfully Zapiro will never allow us to.)
How can we forget Shabir Shaik being found guilty of a “generally corrupt relationship with Jacob Zuma” but Jacob never being found guilty of anything?
He is the master of innocent until proven guilty, or rather innocent until the court proceedings never see the light of day.
How can we forget Nkandla? A 200 million rand plus ego stroke for the No. 1.
How can we forget this picture? Originally titled The spear of the nation I have renamed it…

The not so honorable member

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I will tell you how we forget all of this, We just wait for what’s next.  It will not take much longer than a week before the next scandal hits, So when you go cast your ballots on Wednesday, keep that in mind. Do you want to see the second half of the comedy show that has become the Zuma administration?

 

A Capetonians response to being told to go fuck himself

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With all the accolades Cape Town has racked up recently, including but not limited to our mountain (yeah we claim it) becoming one of  the 7  Natural Wonders of the World,  winning World Design Capital, as well as  being voted the number one tourist destination by that rather small publication the New York Times-  I would like to thank you for giving us the distinguished “Go Fuck Yourself Award”.

I actually like Joburg, well kinda. I mean it’s pretty and everything, but only in the North and only in the summer, in winter it’s a dry brown shit hole. I have actively looked at moving up to Jozi, then I woke up and looked out my front door and gave myself a facepalm for ever considering it.

I didn’t lock my door last night, I drive with the window open, there are not 14 electric wires around my wall and my house does not have a security guard and a car guard outside. The topic of conversation last night among my friends was not who got hijacked/ robbed/ mugged or shot at. But then again we are not quite rough and tumble enough to be casted for the next Walking Dead season. (Having said that check out the Zombie Walk that happens annually.) We have been dealing with zombies for a while now.
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We do not “nay say” Jozi at every opportunity we get, despite what you “busy” people think, we actually have lives, but when we do, we do say things like, “it’s dirty, trafficky and unsafe”.

Wanna know why? Because it is!

Don’t give me this big city bullshit either. Jozi is dirty because the ANC waste your money. Because your roads fall apart and garbage does not get collected.
So thanks for the contribution to the GDP it sure goes far. (On this note both the tax money generated in Cape Town and Jozi goes to subsidising the rest of the country anyway. So thank those “boozy ungrateful wastrels” for making your lives easier.)

What dumb ass Capetonians have you been hanging out with that think Woolworths is only Cape Town based and compare Lagos to Jozi? Surely none that have gone beyond the Hottentots Holland mountain range.

This story of Cape Town being cliquey is bullshit as well. Don’t come to Vredehoek, hang out with all the Jozi and Durban expats and tell us Capetonians are cliquey. Just stop trying to make friends with hipsters.

We do get some business from Johannesburg, we also make business of our own. You might have heard of it, Tourism? It brings in a fair bit of money.

Yes we have lower salaries and higher living expenses BUT when you go to the gym at 19:45 after sitting in an hour traffic on William Nicol to go between two traffic lights, I have been for a run in the forest, watched a sun set, and probably eaten dinner. Keep the bloody money.

Most of us do not live close to the beach, for me it is at least a 12 min drive, sometimes up to 15 min away. Just a bit faster than the 5 hours and 4 toll gates it would take you.

Enough of this North vs South debacle. I am onto my first beer at the office, the sun is shining, and I will be planting my bum on the beach, or something of the sort, very soon now.

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